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Episode 103: Joel Grey/transcript

< Episode 103: Joel Grey

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Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with tonight's guest star Mr. Joel Grey!
The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls

It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!

Male chorus

It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!

The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie In our house we use paper plates, and every night after dinner, my wife erases the dishes!
The curtain closes.
Kermit

To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Joel Grey!

Clips from "Razzle Dazzle" and "Wilkommen" are shown.
Kermit

Our show tonight will feature
Some stuff that looks like this —

A clip from "Comedy Tonight" is shown.
Kermit But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang

On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!

103-1
Gonzo swings and misses the O, toppling over out of frame.


Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Welcome! And what a show we have for you tonight. How would you like to see 4,000 woodpeckers performing an aerial ballet while 87 gorillas and two dozen elephants do the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy? Well, forget it, because instead we've got Joel Grey as a guest star, which, in a way, is like having all the excitement of everything I mentioned without having to clean up afterwards. But right now, let's get things rolling on The Muppet Show, where we have "Comedy Tonight."
103-2
The curtain opens, and an ensemble of Muppets perform a rather violent version of "Comedy Tonight." Frackles and Whatnots run around threatening each other and capturing Mary Louise (and a clown), and Crazy Harry blows things up.
Waldorf Well, the show is speeding along very quickly this evening.
Statler Oh, yes. Someone must have told 'em it's harder to hit a moving target. Heh heh.


Backstage

Kermit walks along, humming. Fozzie stops him in his tracks.
Fozzie Hiya, Kermit!
Kermit Oh, hi there, Fozzie. Hey, listen, uh, you better go get ready. Go in the dressing room and get ready, would you?
Fozzie Dressing room! Uh, uh, I had a dressing room so small, all the mice were hunchbacked! Ha!
Kermit Please, Fozzie, no jokes right now. I'm a tired frog.
Fozzie "Tired frog" — I knew a frog who got so tired he fell asleep during his nap! Ha!
103-4
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, what is this?
Fozzie Oh, oh, see, it's my new act. Yeah, see, it's jokes on any subject. You tell the subject and the bear does a joke on it. Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, please.
Fozzie "Please" … Take my wife, please! Ha!
Kermit Uh, Fozzie, why don't you just go in the dressing room and get ready, 'kay?
Fozzie "Dressing room" — I had a dressing room so small —
Kermit (cuts him off) I heard it!
Fozzie Oh, but what do you think about the act, Frog? Hmm?
Kermit Well, well, Fozzie, um … it's got possibilities. (Fozzie looks hopeful) Yeah, why don't you work on it?
Fozzie Oh, boy!
Kermit Alone. (walks away)
Fozzie Oh. Uh, alone. "Alone" … this bear was left alone … (struggles with the punchline)


At the Dance

Couples dance in a ballroom.
JaniceZootATD
Janice Would you be interested in seeing the five Temptations?
Zoot Eh, could you just show me a couple? I'm not as young as I used to be.
George the janitor Two, three, four! Two, three, four!
Mildred You know, George, I come from a very old family.
George the janitor Ehh, mine's older.
Mildred Oh, really? How old?
George the janitor Ehh, my family's so old it's been condemned. Two, three, four!
Pig Boy, my brother's really something. He's got girls eating out of his hand.
Miss Piggy Oh? Is he a lover?
Pig No, a waiter.
Miss Piggy Oh.
103-5
Green Frackle You know, I'm really stuck on you.
Mary Louise Oh, how sweet. You love me?
Green Frackle No, I'm just stuck on you.
Her nose pops off and sticks to his face. Meanwhile, Mildred gets stuck in the chandelier.


Muppet Newsflash

Newsman Season 1
Newsman Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline New York City: A former circus daredevil, who billed himself as Boffo the Human Cannonball, fired himself out of a cannon yesterday into a crowd of holiday shoppers. Fortunately, there were no injuries to the passers-by. Boffo was not so lucky. Said his wife, the former Mrs. Boffo, "I guess I'll just have to pick up the pieces and live my life."

"Willkommen"

Main stage. Kermit enters in a tuxedo.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pride and pleasure that yours truly, Kermit the Frog, introduces the international star of stage and screen, Mr. Joel Grey.
The curtain opens on a nightclub with Muppets at tables.
Joel Thank you, Kermit. I can't tell you what a pleasure it is for me to be here appearing in the Muppet cabaret. Never have I entertained in such a place before. So unusual. So bizarre. The most incredible nightclub by far.
103-6
He sings his signature song, "Willkommen", joined by the other Muppets.
Waldorf Ehh, another star in the tradition of the late, great Boris Klinger.
Statler Boris Klinger?! (Waldorf nods) Why, you old fool, Boris Klinger was the worst music-hall act to ever step onto the stage!
Waldorf In your opinion, maybe, but more than 2,000 people attended his final performance.
Statler Yes, yes. Half of them brought the tar and the rest brought the feathers. Heh!


Backstage

Hilda squints.
Fozzie Hiya, Hilda!
Hilda Oh, hello, Fozzie. Fozzie, have you seen my glasses?
103-7
Fozzie "Glasses," "glasses" — Uh, I knew a minister once who was so religious, when he read the Bible, he wore stained glasses!
Hilda What is this?
Fozzie Oh, it's my new act, see, jokes on any subject, Yeah, pretty good, huh? Nothing stops the old Fozzie Bear!
Hilda I wish something would.
Fozzie "Wood," "wood" — Two bears go into the woods …
She touches her head, and finds her glasses resting on her forehead.
Hilda Never mind, I've found my glasses.
She walks away as Fozzie struggles to come up with a joke.
Fozzie "Found," "found," "found" …


Talk Spot

Kermit Well, Joel, you know, I just can't tell you how pleased we are to have you with us here tonight.
Joel Thanks very much, Kermit.
Kermit You know, I understand that you come from an old show-business family, don't you, Joel?
Joel Yes, actually …
Kermit You appeared on stage at the ripe old age of ten, huh?
Joel Yes, -
Kermit Yeah, mm-hm, I understand you were also born in Cleveland, Ohio, but now you live in New York with your wife Jo, and your two children Jimmy and Jennifer. Plus three cats, uh, two dogs, a turtle and three Frisbees.
Joel How'd you know all that?
Kermit Yeah, let me ask you something. Well, now that you're with us, why don't you uh, ahem, why don't you just uh, tell us a little about yourself?
Joel Actually, there's not much left to tell.
103-8
Kermit Oh. (faces the crowd) Boy, what a dull guest.
Waldorf Dull, my foot! Why, that young man is one of the all-time greats, you hear me? One of the greats.
Statler Well, you'll get no argument from me on that. Heh heh.
Waldorf Well that may be the first time we ever agreed on anything in our lives.
Statler No. We uh, once agreed in the summer of 1912, yes.
Waldorf What was that?
Statler We agreed that Kaiser Bill looked silly in a hat. (they chuckle) Remember?
Waldorf No.


"Pachalafaka"

Tourist Ah, Turkey. Land of my dreams. All the Turkish delights … the Turkish women, the coffee, the towels. In every way my heart belongs to Turkey. But lo, what lovely Eastern maiden approacheth?
Maiden (whispers in his ear) Pachalafaka. (runs away giggling)
103-9
He sings a song about the word, wondering what it means, as the maiden dances near him. At the end, she reveals a mustache under the burqa. The tourist runs away screaming.


"Stormy Weather"

Main stage. Sam gives a speech.
Sam the Eagle To ensure that the quality and moral content of this show is above reproach, I, Sam the American eagle, am proud to present the singing duet of Wayne and Wanda. (music swells up) Besides being tremendous singers, they are church people.
103-10
Dissolve to Wayne and Wanda on a Southern hillside.
Wayne

Don't know why,
There's no sun up in the sky.
Stormy weather …

BOOM! It thunders and rains on them.
Waldorf I told you they were all wet. (Statler chuckles)


Backstage

Hilda, Piggy and George gang up on Kermit.
Hilda You have got to do something about that Fozzie Bear!
Miss Piggy Yes, he's driving us bananas!
Hilda Yes.
George the janitor Yeah. If he don't stop with those jokes on any subject, I'll kill him.
Kermit Well I tell you, guys, I don't really know exactly what to do about it.
Hilda (gasp) Sh! Here he comes!
Kermit Well, now that's a thought, see, if you don't like his jokes, don't say anything.
The other three nod in realization. Fozzie approaches them, and they just stand still.
Fozzie Ah! How you doin', Kermit? How you doin', George? … How you doin', George?
103-11
Fozzie Ohhh! I get it, the old silent treatment, huh? Gonna be quiet on Fozzie, huh? Uh, let's see, "quiet," "quiet," "quiet," — Yeah. I knew a town that was so quiet, when someone turned the lights off, everybody yelled, "What was that?"
They all express disdain for the poor joke.
Miss Piggy No, no!
Fozzie She had yes-yes on her eyes, but no-no's ("no nose") on her face!
Kermit takes him aside.
Kermit Uh, tell you, Fozzie … um,
Fozzie Yeah, terrific, huh? Yeah?
Kermit Well, these jokes of yours are starting to bug everybody.
Fozzie (tries to think of a joke) Bug, bug, bug …
Hilda, Piggy, George Oh, BUG OUT! (they walk away)
Fozzie Bug out? What kind of joke is that?
Kermit Well, that was no joke, Fozzie.
Fozzie (chimes in) That was my wife!


Blackout

Gonzo Hi, Joel! Hey, why the hat?
Joel I got my new car outside, Gonzo. You wanna go for a spin?
Gonzo Sure. (spins around)
Joel Gonzo! Hey, relax, relax, I didn't mean actually go for a spin. It's just a phrase, like, you don't actually bite the hand that feeds you, do you? I mean, one doesn't eat one's heart out, does one? I mean, one doesn't talk through one's hat.
Joel's hat I hope not! I can talk for myself.
103-12
Joel (grabs his hat) I think I'm going bananas.
Banana I thought you were going for a spin.


Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit You're in for a special treat tonight, folks, as Fozzie Bear, the comedy star of our show, displays his ready wit and nimble mind in a test of comedy that would stump the best. You just name a subject and Fozzie Bear will instantly give you a joke! So here he is now, the fastest fur in the west, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens to Fozzie's fanfare.
Fozzie (blows kisses) Thank you, thank you! Yeah! Mwah! Thank you! Mwah! Love you! Yeah, ha, hi. Here I am, Fozzie Bear, jokes on request! You name anything, any word, any subject, and I, Fozzie Bear, will hit you with a great joke about it! Don't be afraid, just yell 'em out and I'll yell 'em back! Come on!
Statler Amoeba!
Fozzie Huh?
Waldorf He said "amoeba."
Fozzie Uh … amoeb— uh, sorry, no foreign words. Next!
Waldorf The word is only foreign to you.
Statler 'S right.
Fozzie Uh, anybody else? Over there?
Statler You said any word!
Waldorf And he said "amoeba"!
Statler Right!
Fozzie Right, amoeba. Uh, uh … Could I come back to that?
Waldorf Oh! Fake!
Statler Fake! He's a fake!
103-13
Statler & Waldorf Fake! Fake!
Fozzie Fake? Fake? Fake, am I? OK, that does it! Give me that word again.
Statler & Waldorf Amoeba!
Fozzie Right, "amoeba." Two amoeba walk out of a bar. One amoeba says to the other, "Say, is that the sun or the moon?" And the other amoeba says, "I don't know, I don't live around here." (applause) I did it! I did it!
Statler He's right! Heh heh heh!
Waldorf He did it. He's OK.
Statler He certainly did. Uhh — what does "amoeba" mean, anyway?
Waldorf I don't know. I don't live around here either.



UK Spot

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, the Muppet Players are proud to present a little-known classic of Arthur Conan Doyle entitled Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Disappearing Clues.
The curtain opens on a study room. Gorgon Heap sits at a table while Piggy wanders frantically. Rowlf and Baskerville enter.
Rowlf/Sherlock Sherlock Holmes here. Watson there.
Miss Piggy/Maid Oh, Mr. Holmes, I'm so glad you're here! It's murder, Mr. Holmes! Murder!
Rowlf/Sherlock Just calm down, my dear lady. Dr. Watson and I will have this case solved in no time. Right, Watson?
Baskerville/Watson Of course! Holmes can solve any crime by a simple process of deduction.
Miss Piggy/Maid Yes, sir. The body of Lord Bottomley is right over there!
Piano sting. Rowlf walks over to Gorgon Heap and covers Basky's eyes.
Rowlf/Sherlock Great heavens! Don't look, Watson, it's too horrible to gaze upon. What manner of fiend could have done this?
Gorgon Heap Actually, I'm Fielding the butler. Lord Bottomley lies over there.
He points them to the couch, where Wayne lies with a bullet mark in his back.
Baskerville/Watson (gasp) 'Ee's been shot, 'olmes!
Rowlf/Sherlock Yes, yes. (looks through his magnifying glass) Hm. Give me a moment. Mm-hm. (approaches Gorgon Heap) Of course! I arrest Fielding the butler, for the murder of Lord Bottomley!
Baskerville/Watson Amazing!
Gorgon Heap Preposterous.
Rowlf/Sherlock Elementary. The butler's fingerprints are on this glass.
Gorgon Heap eats the glass. Rowlf picks up a photo.
Rowlf/Sherlock Here is a photo of the butler committing the murder.
Gorgon Heap eats the photo. Rowlf picks up a gun.
Rowlf/Sherlock The weapon in question, registered in the butler's name.
Gorgon Heap eats the gun.
Rowlf/Sherlock And finally an eyewitness, the maid, who will seal his doom.
Piggy trembles.
Gorgon Heap Excuse me, miss.
He devours Piggy. Baskerville trembles in horror as he watches.
Rowlf/Sherlock So you see, Watson, pure deduction on the face of the evidence brings us to the only possible conclusion, and that is that the butler did it.
Baskerville/Watson But, but Holmes, there is no evidence, so your logic is wrong!
103-14
Rowlf/Sherlock Logic is never wrong, Watson. If there is no evidence that the butler did it, and I certainly didn't do it, then the inescapable conclusion, Watson …
Baskerville/Watson Yes, yes?
Rowlf/Sherlock … is that you're the murderer.
Gorgon Heap devours Baskerville.
Gorgon Heap Mm, he's tough.
Rowlf/Sherlock Well then, now the inescapable conclusion is that uh, with no evidence and no killer, there was no murder.
Wayne sneezes.
Rowlf/Sherlock Gesundheit.
Applause.


Muppet Newsflash

103-15
Newsman Here's a Muppet Newsflash. (runs to the desk) Dateline Brooklyn, New York: A Harry Oblong, a retired New York City bus driver, said that he is holding that state as a hostage and will not release it until he is paid fifty million dollars in cash. Mr. Oblong, whom state officials say is not playing with a full deck, says that he will not disclose the whereabouts of the state of New York, but does say it has enough food and water to last for ten more days.
He tosses his papers and walks away.


"Razzle Dazzle"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Tonight, the great Gonzo has dug deep into his limitless repertoire to bring us an act never before seen on any stage anywhere in the world. And with his luck, it never will be seen again. Ladies and gentlemen, the greatest of all Gonzos!
The curtain opens on Gonzo in an old car.
TMS.103.GonzoAct
Gonzo Tonight, dear patrons of the arts, I will, with this sledgehammer, demolish this vintage automobile to the music of the "Anvil Chorus" … after which I will eat the crankcase a cappella.
He begins his act, and is immediately booed by the audience.
Gonzo Yokels! Rubes! What do you know about great art? Aw, that does it, I'm giving up performing!
The audience cheers. Joel approaches Gonzo.
103-16
Joel Hey, Gonzo.
Gonzo Oh, you can call me "Great."
Joel Listen, uh, Great, I was just watching your act, you know, from uh, from offstage, and a couple of things occurred to me, as one artist to another.
Gonzo Do you think I should wear a top hat?
Joel It's more than a top hat, Gonz. I think it's the basic act, actually. I think what you need is some pizazz. You know what that means? Let me show you.
Razzle-dazzle edited
He sings an elaborate rendition of "Razzle Dazzle", accompanied by other Muppets.
Gonzo Well, with an act like that, anybody can get applause.
Joel stuffs his hat on Gonzo's head.


Goodnights

103-17
Kermit Hey, Joel, we really wanna thank you for being with us on the show tonight, and I want you to know you'll always be wilkommen here.
Joel (German accent) Dankeschön, Herr Kermit, it was mein pleasure.
Kermit Keep working on that accent, it might come in handy. (to crowd) And thank you all for joining us, and join us next week for The Muppet Show.
The Muppet gang gathers around Joel as the credits roll.
Waldorf More! More!
Statler Not so loud! They may hear you!
ATV
THE END

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