Cold open

Seymour opens the elevator. Mildred and another passenger get off.
Seymour Main studio entrance.
Passenger Yeah.
Seymour Okay, have a nice day.
Clifford talks to Bobo, who holds a clipboard.
Clifford Okay, this is your first day on the job. Let's go over this one more time, okay?
Bobo Yes, yes. Uh, I am the security guard.
Clifford Mm-hm.
Bobo My job is to keep unwanted and/or suspicious characters from entering these premises.
Clifford Good, good. Now how do you know they can enter?
Bobo Ooh, good one. Uh, I sniff their musk glands, and if the scent is familiar, I let them in.
A beat.
Clifford No, man, you check the list!
Bobo Oh! Oh yes, check the list!
Clifford If their name is not on the list, you don't let them in. Comprendo?
Bobo Yes, yes, comprendo. (repeats to self) If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in. If their name is not on the list, I don't let them in.
Clifford Okay, okay, you got it, you got it. (walks)
Bobo (stops Clifford) Whoa-whoa-whoa! Hold it up there, big fella.
Clifford What?
Bobo Where do you think you're going?
Clifford I'm going inside, man. I got a show to do.
Bobo Uh … sorry, sir, your name is not on the list.
Clifford Aw, come on! I gotta host the show.
Bobo Hello? If your name is not on the list, you don't get in.
Clifford Hello? If my name is not on your paycheck, you don't get paid.
A beat.
Bobo Have a good day, sir.
Clifford walks along.


Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal! YAAAYY!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.

Opening

Main stage. Clifford enters to applause.
Announcer Here's the host of our show, Clifford!
Clifford Yeah. Hey! Good evening, good evening. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show critics everywhere are calling... Muppets Tonight. Ha ha ha ha. Our guest this evening is a funny man, yet a humble man. A comedian who hasn't let stardom go to his head--
Billy (off-screen) Introduce me already!
Clifford All right. Mr. Billy Crystal!
Applause. Billy, dressed as a gladiator, makes a grand entrance on a bed carried by four pigs.
Clifford Give it up!
Billy Down, down, down.
They lower him. He gets off the bed and flexes for the crowd.
Clifford Billy, Billy, Billy, yo, yo, yo. Welcome to Muppets Tonight.
Billy Muppets Tonight? Buddy told me I'm doing American Gladiators. Where's Nitro?
Clifford No, man, it's the Muppets.
Billy Oh, great. I'm allergic to felt. I mean, look at me. I'm all buffed up and no place to go. I look like the Michelin man here.
Clifford looks confused.
Billy I'm kidding. It's a joke. Did you see what I did?
Clifford Yeah, you did it.
Billy I wore this whole thing for you guys, 'cause I love the Muppets. I'm glad to be here.
Clifford Well, we love you too, Billy.
Billy Well, great!
Clifford You know, I make a point of going out to see all of your movies.
Billy Oh, good. What's your favorite?
Clifford When Harry Met Sally.
Billy Oh, that's a good movie.
Clifford Boy, and that Meg Ryan? Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Billy Yeah, she's cute.
Clifford Yeah, you ought to know. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
Billy Don't go there.
Clifford All right, I won't. (chuckles)
Billy You know, it's a funny thing. We had a very good chemistry together in that movie, Meg and I.
Clifford Uh huh.
Billy But uh, the director, Rob Reiner, well, we weren't really his first choice at first.
Clifford Get out of here!
Billy I swear. We both screen tested with different actors and actresses.
Clifford Huh?
Billy I brought with me …
Clifford Mm-hm.
Billy … a very rare screen test of me and an actress that you know real well. You want to see it?
Clifford Yeah!
Billy Alright, let's roll the clip.
The monitor is lowered behind Billy.
Clifford Uh, Billy? Over here.
Billy Oh. Ha ha ha.
A clip is shown on the monitor. Rob holds a slate.
Rob Reiner Muppet Alright, come on, let's get this now. I'm — I'm right on the edge here, I could go either way. Alright. And the next one that calls me "Meathead" is going to get it! When Harry Met Sally screen test, take 73. (clap!) Action!
Pan over to Billy and Piggy sitting at a table. A waiter takes her order.
Miss Piggy Alrighty, now, I'd also like to have that with the, uh, mayo and onions on the side, and uh, and French fries on the side, and, oh, oh, coleslaw on the side--
Billy You know what, Sally? You are what my mother would call a good eater. The only thing you didn't order was a side of beef.
Miss Piggy Oh, oh, that's a good idea. A side of beef.
Waiter On the side?
Billy There's no more room on the side. Put it right in the middle so she won't have to reach. (to Piggy) Let me put new words in your vocabulary, okay — "I'm full." Try this whole sentence-- "No, I couldn't possibly eat more marble cake."
Miss Piggy (sarcastic) Ha ha ha. So, Casanova, what happened with your hot date last night?
Billy Oh, Sally, it was a disaster. She canceled. She had a bad cold.
Miss Piggy Are you sure she had a cold?
Billy (falsetto) Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. (normal) I heard her sneeze, twice.
Miss Piggy (laughs) Harry, Harry, Harry, your naiveté is tres amusant. Did you ever think she may have faked the sneeze to get out of the date with you? Hmm?
Billy Faked a sneeze?
Miss Piggy Yes, yes.
Billy No way.
Miss Piggy Listen, Harry, take it from moi, most women at one time or another have faked a sneeze to get out of a date.
Billy Really? Well, excusez-moi, Miss "I'm jealous of Babe" — you don't think I can tell the difference between a real sneeze and a fake sneeze?
Miss Piggy (leans in) No.
Billy Pfft. Get outta here. (laughs)
Miss Piggy (feigning a sneeze) Ah... Ohh... Ohh... Ahh... Ohh...
Billy You okay?
She hams it up, getting out of her chair. The other patrons stare at her.
Miss Piggy Ohh... Ohhhhh... Ohh, ohh, ohh... Ohh... Ohh... Ohh... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah...Ah... Ah...Ah... (sneezes right in his face) Ahhhhh-chooooo!
She goes back to her table, humming.
Miss Piggy (sighs)
Billy (imitates her)
Patron (LCR) Waiter, I'll have what she's having, only less pepper.
Switch to the nursing home.
Statler Mm, there's a lot to be said for this program.
Waldorf Too bad you can't say it on a family show.
They chuckle.


Backstage

Nigel (into the mic) Roll three, take five, and go! Somebody get me a coffee!
"Tales from the Vet" plays on the monitor. Nigel addresses Andy and Randy.
Nigel Alright, boys, boys. Now, I have a very easy task for you, alright?
Andy Good, that doesn't sound so hard.
Randy No, I thought it was going to be much worse.
Nigel No, I haven't explained it yet!
Andy Oh.
Nigel Alright. Now, this is a button--
Randy Wait, wait, slow down!
Nigel (sigh) Now, this is a button! You press it once, and the house lights will go on.
Andy Oh.
Nigel You press it again, and the house lights will--
Andy Hey — what happens when you press these two buttons? (presses one)
Nigel No, not that one!!
The panel flips up and whacks Nigel.
Andy & Randy Cool!
Randy Oh, wow.
Meanwhile, Clifford leads Billy backstage.
Clifford Oh, man, I love it! Come on, I can't get enough of it. Come on, tell me how I look. Come on, do it again.
Billy Oh, please, don't make me do it again, please?
Clifford My mom told me that used to be funny.
Billy Okay, last time for your mom.
Clifford All right, for my mom.
Billy (as Fernando) Cliff, darling, with your crazy Katzenjammer hair, you look marvelous. Ha ha ha ha.
Clifford Yeah, that's great.
Billy walks away; Clifford stops him.
Clifford No, no, no — how would Muhammad Ali respond to that?
Billy Oh, Cliff, come on--
Other Muppets gather around.
Man (FO) He's going to do Ali. He's going to do Ali.
Muppets (chanting) Ali! Ali! Ali! Ali! Ali!
Billy Okay, okay, okay. (imitating Ali) Everybody's talking about Joe Frazier. I don't want to talk about Joe Frazier. I like your show, I admire your style, but your pay's so cheap, I ain't going to be back for a while.
The others laugh.
Man (FO) That's good. Hey, have him — have him do Sammy.
Clifford Yeah? Billy? Billy?
Billy Yeah?
Clifford What if Sammy Davis Jr. walked in the room?
Man (FO) Yeah, yeah.
Rizzo Do Sammy! Come on, come on, come on!
Clifford Do it, do it.
Rizzo Yeah.
Billy (imitating Sammy) Alright, I'll do Sammy, my little cheddar-chomping chum.
Rizzo (laughs)
Clifford (laughs)
Billy I love being in show business, which is the business of doing a show. Especially with you Moppets, and I mean that. I'm excited.
Muppets (laugh)
Clifford See, now that's what we want for the closing number.
Billy Closing number? Well, you know, I've done that so many times, I'd really like to do something different. Let me throw something at you.
Rizzo Watch out, everybody! He's got a grenade!
Rizzo and Clifford duck. The other Muppets scatter.
Billy No, no, no, no.
Clifford Fellas, come back. Come back here. Come here. Come on, now.
Clifford and Rizzo get up.
Billy Come on — I want to play some jazz.
Rizzo Oh.
Billy You know, like a musical number, an old-fashioned jazz number. I got my own band coming. Big names. They're gonna be here in about 10 minutes. Huh?
Clifford Sounds good to me.
Billy Great.
Clifford Uh, but you know what would be even better?
Billy What's that?
Clifford If Muhammad Ali could be the band leader.
Billy No, no, Cliff, I don't want to, please.
Billy walks away; Clifford and Rizzo follow him and continue to hound him. Meanwhile, Dr. Phil van Neuter approaches Andy and Randy at the smoKing panel.
Phil Did somebody call for a doctor? (looks down) Oh, oh!
He picks up Nigel, with a scrunched-up nose.
Phil Oh, yes, an excellent choice for reconstructive surgery. Mulch!
Nigel Cue the musical number.
Phil Yes, excellent choice. (presses a button)

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Open on a jungle at night. A lion yawns and relaxes. A lizard sings the opening refrain of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", soon joined by other animals. A baboon sings the first verse, backed by parrots and even flowers. The lion covers his ears.
Lion (FO) Aw, come on, guys. I gotta work in the morning.
A zebra and gazelle join the song. The lion uses pillows to cover his ears.
Lion (FO) Oh, please! Please, I'm exhausted!
The singing continues.
Lion (FO) Will you knock it off!
As the tempo increases, the lion starts chasing the animals away.
Lion (FO) Stop singing! Stop singing! Bernie, stop it! Stop it!
Clifford comes out from backstage.
Clifford Hey, what's happenin'? You guys didn't finish the song.
He is trampled by the stampede.
Clifford Come on, man--oof!
Sam the Eagle Clifford, Clifford, get up! Get up! We have a major problem.
Clifford Oh! You're telling me, Sammy.
Sam the Eagle I'm about to do my first political commentary program, and two of my distinguished guests-- CNN's Larry King and our very own Mr. Poodlepants-- have not yet shown up! (shakes Clifford)
Clifford So what you're scopin' out for is two happenin' cats to hang out with you on your rap show.
Sam the Eagle I have no idea what you're talking about. Just get me two guests for my show. Please, please.
Clifford You don't want just anybody.
Sam the Eagle Yes, yes. I'm desperate. I'll take anyone.
Clifford Well, in that case, I got just the guys for you.
Sam the Eagle Oh! Oh, oh, good. Thank you. And, Mr. Larry King had better have a VERY good excuse for standing me up. Humph!
Clifford Uh-huh.
He glances up at the control room, where Andy and Randy tamper with the machinery and cause more electrical damage.

Lobby

Larry King enters through the doors and walks up to Bobo.
Larry King Hoo hoo hoo hoo. Hey, I'm Larry King. I'm a guest on The Muppet Show tonight. Buzz me right in.
Bobo Uh, I'm sorry, sir. Uh, your name again?
Larry King King. Larry King. What are you doing? They're expecting me inside. I gotta get in. Come on.
Bobo Alrighty, alright. (looks at list)
Larry King King. Larry King.
Bobo Larry King. I got a Larry Keen... and I got a Larry Klimas. No King, sir. Sorry. Have a good day, huh?
Larry King I don't believe this. Listen, I'm Larry King. I'm on in 220 countries.
Bobo Oh, you tipped your hand there. Oh, yeah. I know you're a phony. Ha ha ha ha ha!
Larry King What are you talking about?
Bobo Uh huh, uh huh. I happen to know for a fact that there are only 191 countries. Here. Let me show you... (picks up a globe) Now, uh, right, uh, right here, Larry. Looky here. (points) There's one...
Larry King I don't believe this.
Bobo There's two... two, and … there's another one, look, another one. Three.
Larry King (points) Four here.


The Eagle's Nest

[intro music plays] And now it's time for politics and punditry from The Eagle's Nest. Uh--ahem. Good day. I am sam eagle And let's talk politics. Our distinguished panel today includes Messrs. Andy and Randy pig. You're a pffft! No, you're a pffft! You're a double pffft! With a pffft! On top. Will you stop that! [silence] Ah. Uh--ahem. Our topic today is taxes. What's your opinion of the new tax bill? My name isn't bill. Why are you calling him bill? His name is Randy. Not Randy. I'm andy. Then I must be bill. No. A x bi in the house. Why attack bill in his house? That's telling him, bill. Thanks, bill. And they say purgatory doesn't exist. Here I am. Sorry I'm late. The twirly-woo trolley Stopped me at checkpoint chuckle, 'cause I didn't have my nonny-nonny passport. That explanation's the most logical thing I've heard In the past five minutes. Mr. Poodlepants, What is your opinion of taxes? Oh, Texas, the longhorn state! And speaKing of long horns... Woo-hoo! [deep breath] ♪ ♪ ♪ Avalanche! Run for your life! I'm way ahead of you! Oh! Oh! Don't be ridiculous! We're in a sound stage. There's not going to be-- Oh! I'll get you for this, Larry King, wherever you are. [groans] There you go. 172... And there's, uh, 173. Whew. And, uh, 174. Wait. St. Kitts and nevis are two countries. No, no. No, sir. It's a constitu-- No. No. Constitutional monarchy. Single federation. [groans] Let's see--oh. Oh, great. I--I lost my place. Okay.. There we go. There's one... There's two... You following me, Larry? You with me?


"City Shtickers"

He tradition Of Punsmoke and Sappy Trails, Muppets Tonight presents Billy Crystal In City Sctickers. Here we are, three big city comedians On a cattle drive, huh? Exactly what we needed. Just smell that fresh country air. Fresh country air? I smell stale dairy air. Ah! Ah! See what I did, Kermit? I took what you said, "The country air," And made it "Dairy," 'cause of the cows And into a joke... Rough canyon, I'll tell you that. Hey, quit horsing around! Ha ha! Ha ha! It's bad when the horses are funnier than us. Let's sing! ♪ he always sings ♪ ♪ raggy music to the cattle as he swings ♪ ♪ back and forward in the saddle on a horse ♪ ♪ that is syncopated gated ♪ ♪ and is such a funny meter ♪ ♪ to the roar of his repeater ♪ ♪ how they run ♪ ♪ when you hear the fella's gun ♪ ♪ because the western fol all know ♪ ♪ he's a high-falutin', rootin'-tootin' ♪ ♪ son of a gun from arizona ♪ ♪ ragtime cowboy joe... ♪ Boy, that ended quick. I must have be channeling roy rogers. I think the cows liked it. That cow in the maternity dress didn't like it. Cows don't wear maternity dresses. They wear moo-moos. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Let's make a pact. The next one who says a pun Gets it right between the eyes. [moans] Billy, do something. That cow's about to have a . I can't. I ordered a decaf. Oh. Oh. You got me doing it. Billy! Please! Help me! [thud] All right. I'll deliver the calf. If you don't deliver it in 30 minutes, we get it free. Stop it! Aah! Hurry! Hey! Look what I made! I made a... Mommy! Mommy! I made a mistake, that's what. Let's sing. We have no ending. Good idea. ♪ he's a high-falutin', rootin'-tootin' ♪ ♪ son of a gun from arizona ♪ ♪ ragtime cowboy joe ♪ No more singing! Stampede! Oh, no! [rumbling] That bit was breathtaKing. Careful. You may not have too many left. Hoh hoh-hoh-hoh. Nurse, my medication! Get my nitroglycerin! I'll just have a glass of warm milk. Ha ha ha ha ha!


The Tubmans of Porksmith

Carter makes his way to Howard with a piece of paper. Howard sits at the table, snacking away on an ear of corn.
Carter Sir?
A. Ligator And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Carter Mr. Tubman, sir …
Howard Yes?
Carter I have terrible news.
Howard (gasp) Don't tell me we're out of gooseberries again. Carter, how many times do I have to tell you? Buy in bulk. If you're not buying in bulk, you're gonna find that —
Carter No, sir — it's a telegram. Your great aunt Polly has died.
Howard (gasp) … Oh, that's awful. (pause) … Pass the head cheese, would you, Carter?
Carter But — you don't understand, sir. She's left you ten million dollars.
Howard (pounds the table) Oh, this is EXCELLENT! Oh! Oh!
Carter But sir, there's a catch.
Howard What?
Carter (hands him the paper) It says …
Howard It says …
Carter … you'll only get the money …
Howard "… only get the money …"
Both "…if you lose 100 pounds by noon on Tuesday the 12th."
Howard (looks at him) — Good grief, Carter! Today IS Tuesday the 12th!
Carter Mm.
Howard And it's almost noon! Quick, quick! The treadmill! Come on! (gets up)
Carter Yes — oh — I'll help you, sir. (strains)
Howard Push the table out.
Carter Just — uh — okay. (strains)
Howard No, no, no — here — grab a hold. Grab a hold. I'm here. Pull! (grabs his neck)
Carter Okay, sir — oh no, not — not the neck, sir.
They strain. Howard finally pops out of the chair.
Howard Pull! Pull me — oof!
Moments later, Howard runs on the treadmill.
Howard Okay, Carter …
Carter Hmm?
Howard … how am I doing?
Carter Uh, not very good, sir.
Howard What?
Carter You've only lost six ounces so far.
Howard Well, then crank it up faster.
Carter Yes, sir. (pulls a lever)
Howard There you go. That'll do it. How am I doing?
Carter Well, a little better. You're up to eight ounces.
Howard Well, at this rate, I'll never get that inheritance! (pants) Alright, turn it up full speed!
Carter But — but, sir …
Howard Do it, man!
Carter Very well, sir. (pulls the lever)
Howard Okay! (feels pulse) 2000 beats per minute! Is that good?
Carter Um, well, sir, you've actually gained two pounds.
Howard Oh, this'll never do! Turn this blasted thing off!
Carter Um, very well, sir.
He stops the machine. Howard immediately lands on the wall, opening a small door containing a cache of small pastries.
Howard Oh! Oh! Oh, it's raining cheesecake! Oh! Oh!
Carter Sir, another telegram.
Howard What?
Carter Your aunt Polly has recovered.
Howard Well, that's impossible! She's dead! (pants)
Carter But you know how very stubborn she is.
Howard Yes, yes, okay. Well. So much for the million dollars.
Carter Hmm.
Howard But let's look on the bright side. Yes, the bright side … is that I've worked up a powerful appetite. Bring on the chicken and dumplings, Carter! And don't skimp on the gravy like you did last time!
Carter Very well, sir. (leaves)
Howard (breathes) Yes!


Lobby

Johnny Fiama, comin' through! Make way for Johnny Fia-- ♪ a-wimoweh ♪ ♪ ooh ooh... ♪ Take care. Bye-bye. [roars] Right back at you, buddy. Bye-bye. Johnny Fiama! Comin' through! Hold it, j. Fred muggs. Johnny Fiama's booked on tonight's show. T out of the way, smoky the butt-head! That's one. Let mes.  we got Johnny Depp,  uh, Johnny ola, Larry King... Oh, he is on the list. Johnny Fiama's a very important performer. So, hurry it up, yogi the--the... Butt-head!  that's two. Listen to me, bear. You let Johnny Fiama in Or I'll make a throw rug out of you And put you in Johnny's bathroom, You--you grizzly... Butt-head? Yeah! And that's three. Come here, you... Ow! Aah! Hey, Sal, I'm not on tonight. Ain't that a laugh? Y-y-yeah, that's funny! Come on, Sal. Quit foolin' around. Let's get out of here, huh? Johnny Fiama's leaving the building! [tires screech] [horns honk] Hey, Sal, That is one nutty way to stop a cab. Ha ha ha ha.


Billy's jazz number

Ready to cue camera one... Cue camera one. Set up for the bison bossa nova In 3, 2, 1, cue. Cue. What? No! Camera one! You tell Billy the bad news. You tell him. You tell him. Why should I have to tell him? Because I'm the man, and you're the rat. I got genetic seniority. What bad news? Uh... Uh... Soylent green is people? Everybody knows that. What's the bad news? They shot sonny on the causeway? The national league adopted the dh? We're not in Kansas anymore? What? It's about that band you put together. I'm excited, too. This band is unbelievable. You tell him. You tell him. Fellas! Fellas! Somebody just tell me. They didn't show. No band, no bee-bop, Billy. We have to cancel the number. We don't have to cancel the number. We can do it. How? I'll do it with you guys. I can't even clap. You'd be surprised how much music's inside you. And Clifford's got lots of jazz. That's what kept me up all night. We can do this number. Jazz is a feeling. It's deep inside you. We can do this. Hmm. Hmm. ♪ first you take some skins ♪ ♪ jazz begins ♪ ♪ and you take a bass ♪ ♪ now we're gettin' someplace ♪ Yeah! ♪ take a rats ♪ ♪ make 'em scats ♪ ♪ scooba-doo ba-doo be-daw ♪ ♪ take a blue horn ♪ ♪ new orleans born ♪ Yeah! Take a stick. Man, what a lick! Lick! Lick! Lick! Take a bone! ♪ ba-ba-doo ba-ba-doo ♪ Et, phone home! ♪ zoo-bop ♪ Take a spot. [scats] Oy vey! That was hot! [scats] Now you has jazz, jazz. Jazz! Jazz! Jazz! All right! Can you dig it? Yes, I can! I knew that you could! Ha ha-ha-ha! ♪ from the equator ♪ ♪ from the equator ♪ ♪ up to the pole ♪ ♪ up to the pole ♪ ♪ everybody's singin', everybody's swingin' ♪ ♪ to that rock rock rock rock rock 'n' roll ♪ ♪ from the east to the west ♪ ♪ east to the west ♪ ♪ from the coast to the coast ♪ ♪ coast to the coast ♪ ♪ jazz is the King ♪ ♪ jazz is the thing ♪ ♪ that folks ♪ Uhh! ♪ dig ♪ ♪ dig ♪ ♪ most ♪ ♪ sci-fi-fi-fi pow ♪ ♪ ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪ [imitating armstrong] and that's jazz. Yes! Did you feel that? All over my body. It came out from inside you. Big time. Big time.


Goodnights / Epilogue

Yeah, yeah! All right! Let's give it up for Mr. Billy Crystal! [applause] You were wonderful! You were wonderful! I had a great time. And we didn't even need the all-star band. I wonder whatever happened to that band? Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. I don't have anything listed for a Billy Crystal band. No Clinton. No Yeltsin. No Eastwood. No Reagan. Please don't flirt with me, your majesty. Back of the line, young lady.