Cold open

The Muppets sit in the KMUP boardroom, chattering.
Kermit Okay. Alright, uh, settle down, everybody. Settle down. I'd like to welcome everyone to our new Muppet television studios.
Muppets (murmuring in agreement)
Kermit And here's Gonzo the Great to tell us about some of our new programs. Take it away, Gonzo.
Gonzo Thank you very much, Kermit. Let's see here - on Monday we have Murphy Prawn
Rizzo That's my favorite.
Gonzo … and The Single Duck in the City With His Apartment Full of Friends
Muppets (murmuring in agreement)
Rizzo That one too.
Gonzo … and for this evening's show right now, we have TBA, followed by The X-Flies
Kermit Uh, excuse me, Gonzo, but "TBA" means "to be announced". Which means — (panics) we don't have a show for tonight!! (frets)
Gonzo WHAT?? No show?!? Oh, man, that's terrible!
Pause.
Gonzo Okay, on Saturday, we have —
Kermit Wait. Gonzo, this is serious. We've got to put together a show for tonight, everybody. Are you all with me?
Muppets Yeah!
Kermit After all, we've been in worse spots before, right?
Muppets Right!
Kermit But we all pulled together and made it work because we're a team, huh?
Muppets Right!
Kermit Okay, alright! So who wants to volunteer to host this new show, huh?
Everyone runs out of the room. Kermit then notices Clifford on the phone.
Clifford Aw, baby, I love you, you know that.
Kermit Uh, uh, congratulations, Clifford, you've got your own show.
Clifford (to phone) Hold on, baby. (to Kermit) My OWN SHOW??
Kermit Mm-hm.
Clifford I — I've always wanted to have my own show! Man, this is great! So — so when does it start?
Kermit Oh, in about thirty seconds.
A beat.
Clifford (into phone) I'll call you back.
He stiffens up and faints.

Theme

Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Michelle Pfeiffer! YAAAYY!
He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.


Backstage

Clifford comes in and addresses the staff.
Clifford Okay, everybody. I feel good! I feel good about this! Our brand new show!
Nigel Team, we're on air in ten seconds.
Clifford Let's get out there and show 'em what we can do, huh?
Nigel Six seconds.
Clifford Yo, yo, yo! And remember, no matter what happens, have fun!
Kermit Yeah.
Nigel (tosses papers) WE'RE ON AIR! WE'RE ON AIR! WE'RE ON AIR! WE'RE ON AIR!
Chaos ensues.
Kermit Uh, everybody, uh, hang in there, everybody. Uh, we're on the air!
A shivering Clifford slowly walks through a door.
Kermit (knocks) Clifford, Clifford, that's the supply cabinet.
Clifford I know that. It's a nice supply cabinet too. Nice and quiet. Let's cue the announcer. Shall we?
Kermit Uh, ahem, uh, cue the announcer.
Nigel GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!

Opening act

A drumroll plays as Rizzo and two stagehands wheel the supply closet out on stage. The stagehands quickly exit.
A. Ligator And now it's time for Muppets Tonight! And here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Rizzo You're on, Clifford!
Clifford emerges from the supply closet. Applause.
Clifford Hey, what's up, what's up? Yeah, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm Clifford, your homie made of foamy. Welcome to Muppets Tonight, the show that's going to change the face of television and make it look a little something like this.
An Extreme pops up and laughs maniacally, gives Clifford a kiss and exits.
Clifford Any hue, to start things off, our first act is … yo, Rizzo, what's our first act?
Rizzo Uh, well, I hate to tell you this, chief, but uh, we don't have an opening act. As a matter of fact, we don't have a middle act and a closing act either.
Clifford Aw, man, what are we gonna do?
Gonzo Clifford! Your problems are solved! I've got an act that's gonna knock your socks off!
Clifford Well, put 'em on, man!
Gonzo (looks down) Your socks?
Clifford No, the act. The act.
Gonzo Oh, oh, oh, yes, okay. Ahem. Muppets Tonight is proud to present Francois Fromage and his dancing cheeses!
A chorus line of cheeses makes their way past them, take center stage, and start dancing.
Gonzo Give it up! Give it up! Go, go, go, go!
Clifford This better be gouda.
Gonzo and Rizzo give him a blank stare.
Clifford What, too cheesy?
Cheeses

♪ We are the dancing cheeses and we hope our number pleases
♪ So sit back, relax, and just enjoy the show!
♪ We don't know much geography, but boy, our choreography
♪ Will make you sing and shout and tap your toes!
(And here we go!) (Yeah!)

They do a tap solo. Meanwhile, Gonzo directs the cameraman.
Gonzo Get a closeup! Get a closeup! (laughs) … Yeah!
Clifford and Rizzo go backstage.

Backstage

Clifford This cheese ain't cuttin' it, Rizzo.
Rizzo No.
Clifford What we need is a celebrity. A big name guest star.
Rizzo Hey, what about Ike from the loading dock?
Clifford Naw, man, I mean somebody bigger.
Rizzo What about Ike's wife? She's huge. (laughs)
They approach a monitor.
Clifford (gasp!) What's going on with the dancing cheese?
On stage, the cheeses start melting.
Rizzo They melted, maybe.
Cheese Of course they melted! They're cheeses! It's the lights! The lights … (sobs)
Clifford Aw, this is bad news! We are waist-deep in the big funky. The only thing that's gonna save us now, Rizzo, is if a world-famous superstar walks through that door.
The door behind him swings open, knocking him over.
Rizzo Or that door. — It's Miss Piggy!
Applause.
Miss Piggy (laughs) Thank you! Oh, thank you! Thank you! (bows) Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
A stagehand wheels a tape machine behind her.
Stagehand (DG) Is that enough applause, Miss Piggy, or do you want me to boost it?
She slams the door and laughs sheepishly.
Miss Piggy I have never seen that man before in my life.
Clifford Miss Piggy! What are you doing here?
Miss Piggy Well, rumor has it that you are looking for a guest star for tonight's show…
Rizzo Uh-huh …
Miss Piggy … and it just so happens that I know someone who is beautiful, witty, and charming.
Clifford Can you get her here in ten minutes?
Miss Piggy It's me, you idiot!
Clifford Well — you're really gonna do our show? Well, that's great! But I thought you were busy doing informercials.
Miss Piggy Infomercials? (laughs) 'Tis to laugh. Moi am a star. I do not stoop so low as to do infomercials.
The stagehand turns on the TV set.
Stagehand (DG) Hey, Miss Piggy, they're running one of those infomercials you don't do — WHOAA!
She injures him.
Miss Piggy (laughs, looks at the TV) Uh-oh …
In the infomercial, Piggy sits in a barber chair in front of a curtain.
Miss Piggy (on TV) And remember, not only do my Big Wig hair extensions make a provocative fashion statement, as vous can plainly see, but, they are also handy in the kitchen as a lovely pot scrubber. Do it, Fred!
A pot drops on her head. Two gloved hands hold the pot as the chair spins around.
Miss Piggy (on TV) (muffled) Look! The pot is getting so clean, I can see myself!
She glances at Clifford.
Miss Piggy Don't laugh. It paid for the beach house.
Rizzo laughs and walks away.
Clifford So that means you're going to be our guest star?
Miss Piggy Mmm, under one condiçion.
Clifford Name it.
Miss Piggy You give my two nephews, Andy and Randy, a job on the show.
Clifford Well, sure, Piggy. Uh, where are the little cocktail wieners?
Miss Piggy Hah!
They spot the two pigs playing tag in the hallway.
Randy You! You're it!
Andy No, you're it!
Randy You're it!
Andy No, you're it!
Miss Piggy Andy? Randy?
Randy You're it! I can't hear —
Miss Piggy KNOCK IT OFF!! A-heh-heh … come inside and meet your new employer. A-heh-heh.
Andy & Randy (they go inside) Okay.
Miss Piggy Bye-bye, boys.
Randy Goodbye, Auntie.
Andy Where are you going, Aunt Piggy?
Miss Piggy I'm going to my dressing room … (shuts the door)
Randy (nods) Ohhh.
Miss Piggy YES!! (runs off)
Clifford So which one of you fellas are Andy and which one's Randy?
Andy & Randy Uh … this job is too hard!!
Clifford Man. You cats are stupid.
Andy Oh yeah? Well, you are the stupid one because we are not even cats.
Randy Yes. We're um, uh … dogs.
Andy (points elsewhere) Look! A fire hydrant!
They run away.
Clifford Something tells me I'm gonna regret hiring these two.

Bay of Pigswatch

The opening title sequence plays. A. Ligator reads the title cards.
A. Ligator Bay of Pigswatch. Starring David Hoggselhoff as Champ Schwimmer. Miss Piggy as herself. Introducing Spamela Hamderson as Spamela. And Andy and Randy Pig as Donnie and Art C. Shell.
Champ, Andy and Randy stand at their post.
Andy Hey Champ, sing that Hawaiian song.
Randy Yeah.
Champ Why, sure, fellas. You — you mean the one that goes something like this?
Randy Like what?
He plays the ukulele and sings.
Champ ♪ I wanna go back to my little grass shack in Kealakekua, Hawaii …
Andy & Randy ♪ Shoo be doo wah …
Champ ♪ Where the humuhumunukunukuāpua'a …
They notice Spamela.
Spamela Excuse me. Do any of you boys know where I can find Champ Schwimmer?
Champ strikes a pose. She opens her towel, revealing her bikini.
Spamela I'm his new assistant … lifeguard.
The other pigs' jaws drop.
Champ (stammers) Hummana-hummana-hummana …
Spamela What's he saying?
Andy We do not know.
Randy Yeah, it's Hawaiian talk.
Champ (stammers) Hummana-hummana-hummana …
Spamela I need to ask him if this is the proper lifeguard outfit for my new job!
Andy & Randy (nodding) Yes! Yes!
Champ starts panting, then faints.
Meanwhile, Miss Piggy backstrokes in the ocean, singing. She sees the fin of a shark.
Miss Piggy Oh! Oh! Oh! Shark! Help! Shark!
Shark Aaah! Pig! Pig!
Miss Piggy Very funny.
They both scream and swim away from each other. Switch back to the shore.
Spamela (stands up, exhales) Are you sure that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is what you need?
Champ (stammers) Hummana-hummana-hummana …
He pulls her down again. Andy and Randy giggle. They suddenly hear Piggy's cries and stand up.
Spamela Hey, look! That baby humpback is being chased by sharks! Shouldn't we help it?
Champ No, Spamela. Let's just let nature take its course and — we'll concentrate on that mouth-to-mouth thing, shall we?
He drops down. Andy and Randy giggle.
Spamela Okay!
She resumes breathing into his mouth. Piggy runs to the post, screaming.
Miss Piggy SCHWIMMER!! Swchimmer - you jerk! You've got the nerve to make out with some beach bimbo, while I was almost eaten alive by a shark! (sigh)
Champ Yeah. Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy WHY I OUGHTA …
She chases Champ away and attacks him off-screen.
Spamela I didn't know whales could run.
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!
Champ goes sailing past them.
Andy I didn't know pigs could fly.
Piggy runs towards Champ and resumes attacking him.

Nursing home

Statler and Waldorf sit in a nursing home, watching TV.
Waldorf Nurse! There's something wrong with this TV.
Statler What's that?
Waldorf It's on!
They chuckle. The nurse leaves.

Backstage

Rizzo follows Clifford.
Rizzo Well, chief, it looks like everything is under control.
Clifford Man, that Miss Piggy may be a ham, but no matter how you slice it, she really brings home the bacon!
Rizzo Hey, hey, hey, don't use up all the pig metaphors. This is only our first show.
Clifford Hmm. (nods)
Kermit Uh, Clifford, Clifford, there you are.
Clifford Uh, what's up, Kerm?
Kermit Yeah, I have someone I'd like you to meet. Miss Michelle Pfeiffer.
She enters.
Rizzo Oh, wow.
Michelle Hi, Clifford.
Clifford Heyyyyy!
Kermit Miss Pfeiffer has graciously agreed to be our guest star.
Clifford Oh, man, that is great. And excuse me for saying so, Miss Pfeiffer, but you are drop dead gorgeous!
Michelle (chuckles) I'm not …
A stagehand approaches Clifford.
Stagehand (FO) Hey, boss, boss, I gotta ask you — (gasp) Michelle Pfeiffer! (faints)
Clifford See what I told you?
Michelle Oh, that's sweet. But you know, everybody always thinks of me as some glamorous movie star, and really, I — I'm just this simple, wholesome girl next door.
Clifford Boy. I'm living in the wrong neighborhood.
Rizzo Uh, Clifford, could I just remind you of something —
Clifford Uh, not — not — not now, uh, Rizz.
Rizzo Yeah, but it's really important —
Clifford I said not now, man.
Rizzo (sigh)
Clifford Uh, Michelle, why don't you go on down to our special guest star dressing room, and I'll get your script.
Michelle Thanks, Clifford, and thanks for calling me, Kermie. This is gonna be so much fun!
She slaps Kermit on the back and walks to her dressing room.
Kermit Aww. OOP! Oh. Yeah, fun.
Clifford (shakes head) Mm. Man. She sure is … wholesome.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Clifford Uh, now — now Rizzo, uh, what was so important?
Rizzo Well, it's just that, five minutes ago, you asked Miss Piggy to guest star on the show.
Kermit Oh, wait a second — you mean we asked Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy to guest star on the same show?
Clifford Yeah, I think — maybe we did.
Kermit Race you to the supply cabinet.
All three skedaddle away.
Rizzo Oh, boy.

At the Bar

Mr. Callahan enters through the doors.
Polly Lobster ♪ If ya want my body, and ya think I'm sexy, come on, ba — Oh! Hi there, Mr. Callahan. How ya doin'? Your usual drink, huh? No? Oh, you want something different today. Okay! How about a thing I call, a caliente surprise. Heh heh heh heh.
He hands Mr. C a drink with a jalapeño pepper. Mr. C takes a sip.
Polly Lobster Oh, and I hope you like it spicy, because this thing could get just a little …
Mr. C breathes fire.
Polly Lobster … hot. Uh, don't worry, Mr. C! Those eyebrows'll grow back. (chuckles) Uh, Clueless? Yeah, he's in the back, I'll call him out. CLUELESS!
Clueless enters to applause.
Clueless Morgan Yeah, Polly, what is it? (notices the applause) Ooh! Oh. (chuckles) Thank you. Oh, hi, Mr. Callahan. Ooh. That's a lovely dress you're wearing.
Mr. Callahan makes a flattery gesture.
Polly Lobster Say, Clueless, I hear you've been having some problems.
Clueless Morgan Oh, yeah, it's my wife's sister. She's eaten me out of house and home.
Polly Lobster (laughs) Ate all the groceries, huh?
Clueless Morgan No, no, she ate the house, which of course is my home.
Polly Lobster (bursts out laughing) Why didn't you kick her out?
Clueless Morgan Well, I can't. She — she watches the kids. She's a nanny goat.
Polly Lobster (bursts out laughing) Nanny goat!
Clueless Morgan What?
Polly Lobster Oh, Clueless, you killed me! (laughs)
Clueless Morgan Oh, I'm sorry.
Polly Lobster (stops laughing) … Just sing!
Clueless Morgan All right. Paul?
Piano music begins playing. Clueless sings "Camptown Races", until fruits and vegetables are thrown at him.
Polly Lobster Looks like you picked the wrong song there, Clueless! (laughs)
Polly gets knocked down with a cabbage.
Clueless Morgan Oh! Good shot, Mr. Callahan.
Mr. C hits Clueless with a pineapple. Clueless faints.

Muppet Match-Up

Clifford takes center stage.
Clifford Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Muppets Tonight. Let's say hi to our beautiful guest star, Miss Michelle Pfeiffer!
She comes out to a fanfare, wearing a gold sequined dress. Applause.
Clifford Give it up! The woman's looking good! (laughs)
Michelle Thank you, Clifford. I've always wanted to work with the Muppets.
Clifford But Michelle, this isn't the first time you've worked with us.
Michelle It is! I never — oh, wait —
Clifford (laughs)
Michelle No, no, you're not gonna show that old thing, when I —
She buries her face. A monitor is lowered.
Clifford Oh, yes we are. Ladies and gentlemen, come with us now as we look at Michelle Pfeiffer and the Muppets from 1975! The show, right there…
A clip plays on the monitor. It's a 1970's style dating game show, with Michelle and host Kermit one one side of a wall, and three bachelors — Bunsen, Beaker and Animal — on the other side.
Kermit Thank you, and welcome to Muppet Match-Up. Let's get right to it, shall we, and meet our groovy bachelorette. A young lady who likes growing organic food, hosting fondue parties, and dreams of someday being one of Charlie's Angels, Miss Michelle Pfeiffermenowitz!
Applause. She waves.
Kermit Welcome to the show, Michelle. Are you ready to get down with a game?
Michelle That would be far out, Kermit. Let's boogie with our bad selves. Uh, Bachelor #1, I love a man with a good sense of humor. What's your idea of a fun date?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Well, Michelle, first I would take you to my lab, where we'd scrape up some epidermis and examine the skin cells — from our bippies! (giggles)
Michelle Freaky. Ummmm, Bachelor #2, same question.
Beaker (meeps)
Michelle That's not funny. That's sick.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, uh — did I mention that, we could manipulate time … with our bippies? (giggles)
Michelle (giggles) Bachelor #1, you're funnier than the sweat hogs. Um … Bachelor #3, same question.
Animal Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
He breaks through the wall and gets to Michelle.
Animal Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! MICHELLE!!!
She runs away screaming. Animal chases after her as the theme music plays.
Animal Michelle! Michelle! (glances at camera) WOMAN!! (resumes chasing) Michelle! Michelle! …
Kermit Wow, this is one trippy scene, man. My mood ring has gone all mellow yellow.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Hmm. So has my bippy.
Back in the present, the monitor turns off and is raised. Michelle facepalms. Applause.
Clifford (chuckles) Yeah. Yeah. She even looked good back then. Heh. So, so Michelle, uh, who'd you end up datin'?
Michelle Uh, Bachelor #3, but I haven't seen him in years. I wonder if he's changed.
Animal Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! (chases after her) AAAAHHH! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
Nigel panics in the control room.
Nigel Who let Animal out of the cage? Quick quick quick quick! Cue something! Uh, the Koozebanian dance number! Three, two, one, cue.
The operator switches the video.
Nigel Can I offer anybody some more schnitzel?
Animal (pops up) Schnitzel! Schnitzel! Schnitzel! HAHHHH!

Backstage

Clifford Yo, Rizzo, come here, come here, come here.
Rizzo Yeah? Yeah, yeah?
Clifford Uh, where's Miss Piggy?
Rizzo Uh, she's in makeup.
Clifford Oh, good, good. Where's Michelle?
Rizzo She's in wardrobe.
Clifford Good, good. What's on stage?
Rizzo (into his earpiece) Nigel, what's on stage? (notices the monitor) Ooh, the Koozebanian dance number. And then we've got the Elvises coming up next.
Clifford Oh, that's a happenin' thing. Uh, right now, you and I have to keep Michelle and Miss Piggy apart.
Rizzo Gotcha.
Clifford I'll take Michelle, you take the pig.
Rizzo Ohh, no, no, no. I will take Michelle.
Clifford Flip you for it.
He picks Rizzo up and flips him.
Rizzo Call it! Whoa —
Clifford Tails. You lose. (walks off chuckling)
Rizzo (gets up) Rats!

Great Moments in Elvis History

Open on the Continental Congress as classical music plays.
A. Ligator And now, it's time once again for Great Moments in Elvis History. Tonight, the Declaration of Independence.
Elvis (BB) Say there, George Washington.
Elvis (BH) What's up, there, Thomas Jefferson?
Elvis (BB) Well, I was just wonderin' if you had any more of that there … cherry pie left.
Elvis (BH) I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole thing.
Elvis (BB) Whoaaa, mercy.
A third Elvis enters with an assistant.
Assistant Mr. Hancock, are you ready to sign the Declaration of Independence?
Elvis (JN) You're dang right I am.
Assistant Excellent. It will break all ties with the king.
Elvis (BB) Now, wait just one Memphis minute! I am the king.
Elvis (BH) Hey now, looky here, Thomas Jefferson. You know that I'm the king.
Elvis (BB) Ohh no, I'm the king.
Elvis (BH) No, I'm the king.
Elvis (JN) Hold on a minute, boys, eh, I'm the king.
Elvis (BB) Ohh, don't make me use my karate on you.
They all prepare to attack. Ben Franklin enters with a burned, smoking kite.
Ben Franklin (coughing) Gentlemen, great news!
Elvis (BB) What's that, Ben Franklin?
Ben Franklin I have just discovered electricity! (laughs)
Elvis (BH) Rockin' good news!
Elvis (JN) Now we can play these here electric guitars.
Elvises Mercy!
They all burst into song.
Elvis (BH) ♪ One if by land!
Elvis (JN) ♪ Two if by sea!
Elvis (BB) ♪ Let's all rock for democracy!
Elvises

♪ Now don't you, don't you tread on me! (Oh yeah!)
♪ You gosh darn redcoats, don't you tread on me!
Yeah …

The song concludes.
Elvises (random) Thank y' ver' much…
A. Ligator Join us for another great moment in Elvis history. Next week: Elvis of Arabia.
A clip is shown of one Elvis in the desert.
Elvis (BB) Dang, it's hot out here.

Swift Wits

Snookie Hey! Hello again, welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV! I'm your host, Snookie Blyer. And here's our contestant, Philo Zilfinger.
Philo Hi, Snookie. I just wanted to say —
Snookie Oh, no time for that, Philo! Today you're going to be playing for Sterling, an adorable purebred poodle!
A window opens to reveal the poodle.
Philo Oh! Look at that. Awww.
Snookie Okay, now let's play our game. If Philo answers correctly, Sterling will receive a lifetime supply of dog shampoo from Luigi's Poodle Palace.
Philo Oh, that's nice.
Snookie But, in the unlikely event that Philo can't answer our question, Sterling will be eaten alive by Carl the Big Mean Bunny!
Another window opens to reveal Carl with bunny ears.
Carl Hi!
Philo (gasp)
Snookie Okay! Let's tell our home audience the answer.
Announcer The answer is "ham".
Snookie Okay, Philo! You've got ten seconds to answer. Here come the clues. This is a big pink thing that you always find in the refrigerator.
Philo My ex-wife.
Snookie No! It's a huge hunk of meat.
Philo My ex-wife.
Snookie (facepalms) No no no no! Uh, pig, pig, pig!
Philo Still sounds like my ex-wife.
The buzzer sounds and the "frown" face lights up.
Snookie D'ohh! Too bad. The correct answer is "ham".
Carl Thank you!
He devours the poodle. The window shuts.
Snookie Ha ha! Goodbye, everybody! Thanks for playing. (pulls imaginary trigger, laughs)

Backstage

Piggy comes out of the dressing room, singing.
Miss Piggy ♪ Do, a deer, a female deer, Fa, a lo— no, Re …
Michelle Miss Piggy! Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Yes?
Michelle I … I just wanted to say, I'm … I'm a big fan of yours.
Miss Piggy Ahaha - of course you are, dear. Where would you like me to sign?
Michelle Oh, no, no - I'm not here for your autograph. (giggles)
Miss Piggy Look - if this is about the hair extensions, I am not responsible for what they did to your hair or your pots.
Michelle No, no, no — I'm — I'm Michelle Pfeiffer.
Miss Piggy (gasp) OH! OHHH! AH! Of course! Barney Pfeiffer's wife. You must be here to see moi's grand return to television.
Michelle Actually, I'm — I'm — I'm the guest star on the show tonight.
Miss Piggy WHAT??
Michelle Yeah, I'm playing Maria von Trapp in the big musical number. See?
She opens her robe to reveal her outfit.
Rizzo Michelle's taking her robe off!!
A bunch of male Muppets gather in excitement.
Miss Piggy Wai-wai-wai-wai-wait! That's impossible. I'm the guest star, and I'm playing Maria von Trapp!
Rizzo Miss Piggy's taking HER robe off!!
He and the male Muppets scatter. Piggy reveals a country-western outfit.
Miss Piggy Hey, wait a minute.
She turns away, switches to her von Trapp dress and turns back around.
Miss Piggy Ah, better. Haha. (laughs) There! Now, back off, sister! I am the guest star!
Michelle You can't play Maria von Trapp. You're a pig.
Miss Piggy I KNOW I'M A PIG! You — you, you, you jezebel!
Michelle Now, Miss Piggy, let's not resort to name calling, please.
Miss Piggy Too late, too late! Jezebel. Jezebel! Jezebel, jezebel, jezebel!
Clifford (sigh) I'll take care of this, Rizzo. I know exactly how to handle the ladies. (walks over to them)
Miss Piggy ♪ Jezebel, jezebel, jezebel!
Clifford Girls, girls, girls — there seems to be some misunderstanding here.
Miss Piggy "Girls"?? (to Michelle) Stand back. (karate-chops Clifford) Hi-YAH!
Clifford goes sailing past Kermit in the control room.
Kermit Uh, Clifford, did you get a chance to talk to Miss Piggy?
Two stagehands open and close the stage door in time for Clifford to fly through the doorway.
Kermit I guess he did.
Clifford lands against a brick wall onstage.
Clifford (dazed) Ladies and gentlemen, here's a sweet musical number from The Sound of Music — number. I hope you enjoy it.
Rizzo This way, chief, right back here. (leads Clifford away) Yeah. Careful.
Clifford (dazed) Thanks, Ma. Do I have to go to school today?
Rizzo Oh, brother.

Closing number

In the von Trapp mansion, Andy, Randy, Lew Zealand and an unnamed boy gather by the staircase and see Michelle come down.
Muppets Maria! Maria? …
Andy Oh! There she is!
Lew Zealand There she is!
Michelle All right, children.

♪ Let's start at the very beginning,
♪ A very good place to start.
♪ When you spell, you begin with …

Andy Gee, I didn't know there'd be a test.
Michelle

♪ A-B-C, when you sing, you begin with do-re-mi …

Muppets Oh! Oh, yeah.
Michelle ♪ Do, a deer, a female deer …
Muppets Yes!
Michelle ♪ Re, a drop of golden sun …
Piggy comes down the opposite staircase.
Miss Piggy AND! —

♪ Me, a name I call myself,
♪ Fa, a long long way to run.

The four gather around Piggy.
Andy & Randy Hi, Aunt Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh, no no! Children, I am not Aunt Piggy, I am Maria.
Michelle No, no, children, I am Maria.
Muppets Oh!
The four gather around Michelle.
Michelle Children, children, come here - I'd like to sing you a song. (glances at Piggy) In key.
Miss Piggy (waves her fist) Why, I oughta …
Michelle ♪ Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens …
Miss Piggy Uh, children, children! I have some candy for you. Come here!
The four run to Piggy.
Miss Piggy ♪ Doorbells and sleigh bells and warm woolen mittens.
Andy Hey, when do we get our candy?
Miss Piggy Shut up. ♪ Brown paper packages tied up with string…
Michelle (holding a tray) Here, kids — look look look — I baked you some cookies!
The four run to Michelle and start pigging out.
Michelle ♪ These are a few of my favorite things.
Piggy wheels out a hot, smoking oven.
Miss Piggy Okay, kids, over here — children — I have some cookies for you, children! Over here! Aunt Piggy has cookies — uh …
She notices the cookies are all burnt.
Randy Oh, yuck!
Miss Piggy All right! So I'm not Martha Stewart!

♪ When the dog bites — Sic 'er, Foo-Foo!

Foo-Foo runs towards Michelle, barking.
Michelle Sic 'er, Animal.
Animal hugs Michelle instead.
Animal Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
Michelle Not me! The dog!
Animal (chasing after Foo-Foo) Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog! Dog! Dinner! (gnaws on Foo-Foo)
Kermit and Clifford watch from the wings.
Clifford Yo, Kerm, I was worried at first, but I think things are going pretty well.
Kermit Yeah.
Foo-Foo sails through the air and lands on the railing right next to them. Piggy rushes over
Clifford Oh! Oh …
Miss Piggy Foo-Foo! Foo-Foo, my little doggy! ... I've had it with that Pfeiffer! I'll show that tiny-tushed t' — t' — (turns to them) quick, give me a T word.
Kermit Uh, "teapot".
Clifford "Turtle".
Miss Piggy "Turtle." Good. I'll show you, you tiny-tushed turtle! (runs back)
Michelle ♪ I simply remember my favorite things …
Piggy wheels down a cannon with a lit fuse.
Michelle (with Piggy) ♪ And then I don't feel … so bad!
The four make a run for it. The cannonball sails past Michelle. Switch back to the nursing home.
Statler I told you this show was a bomb!
The cannonball hits the patient next to them.
Statler What was that?
Waldorf I think her medication just kicked in!
They chuckle.
Statler Nurse! I'll have some of that!
They chuckle.

Goodnights

Clifford comes onstage, chuckling.
Clifford Well, that's all the time we have. Thank goodness. Let's thank our guests, Michelle Pfeiffer and Miss Piggy! Yeah!
Applause as the two come out, somewhat dazed.
Clifford Well, I hope you lovely ladies have made up.
Miss Piggy Oh, we have. And I realized that this was not Michelle's fault.
Michelle And I know it's not Piggy's fault.
Clifford Yep, yep.
They both face Clifford.
Miss Piggy We both realized it was … (with Michelle) your fault! Hi-YAH!
They swat him offstage.
Kermit Uh, don't — don't worry, Clifford, it'll all go smoother next week. Uh, thank you, Piggy, thank you, Michelle, and thank you, everybody! YAAAAYY!
The other Muppets gather around them and wave goodbye.

Epilogue

Backstage, a stuffed Rizzo relaxes.
Clifford Oh, yo, yo, Rizzo?
Rizzo Hmm?
Clifford Where's the dancing cheeses? I'd like to thank them for all the work they did.
Rizzo Let me do that for you. (pats his tummy) Thank you, dancing cheeses, for all your hard work. (laughs)
Clifford Aw, man, you ate the cheeses?
Rizzo Of course I ate the cheeses! I'm a rat, they're cheese. It's the circle of life. (laughs, sighs)
The credits roll.