Hey, have I got an opening joke for you tonight! (cracks up) You're – Oh, you're gonna love this! These two ... (curtain closes on him)
Kermit sings the guest star lyrics, ending by announcing... Miss Juliet Prowse!
Theme song concludes
Gonzo ends up charred when he hits the O with his mallet and it explodes.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you. Thank you. Hey, listen, it's another great show, folks. I mean, tonight our guest star is one of the truly great dancers of the world, the one and only Miss Juliet Prowse. And, if that weren't enough, we've also got "Mahna Mahna." Whatever that means.
As the song draws to a close, Mahna Mahna dances his way backstage and out of the Muppet Theater. Soon after he has disappeared, the phone rings.
Kermit
Hello? OK. Just a second.
Kermit
It's for you.
Mahna Mahna
(on other end) Mahna mahna!
Applause.
Statler
The question is, what is a "Mahna Mahna"?
Waldorf
The question is, who cares?
Backstage[]
Kermit sips a glass of milk through a straw.
Kermit
(to viewer) Uh, think about this, friends.
He takes two more sips. Enter Scooter and a white dog.
Scooter
Hey, Boss, Muppy and I wanted to talk to you about the act we're doing on the show tonight.
Kermit
Uh, Scooter, you're not doing an act on the show tonight.
Scooter
Oh, gee, my uncle who owns this theater thought of this act, didn't he? (Muppy nods)
Kermit
Uh, uh, tell us about the act you're doing on the show tonight.
Scooter
Oh, it's called "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Dog." Yeah, I sing this song, see, and Muppy here does this cute, adorable, sweet, sugary little dance.
Muppy demonstrates the dance.
Kermit
Well, it sounds, says the frog, displaying his artistic judgment, sappy.
Scooter
Gee, my uncle thought it was …
Kermit
It sounds, says the frog, displaying his will to survive, wonderful.
Scooter
Yeah, it's great. He'll love it.
Kermit
I'm - Certainly. I've often thought of Muppy here as about the cutest little fellow around.
Muppy bites Kermit's hand and wrestles with it.
Scooter
He thinks of himself as a killer.
Kermit
Let me outta here!
He pulls himself away and goes onstage. Muppy sips from the glass of milk.
Gonzo's stunt / Backstage[]
Kermit
Aw, that dumb dog. Whoa. I'm onstage. Wow. Ahem. Uh, now that I'm here, let me take this opportunity to present The Muppet Show's resident artist Gonzo the Great!
The curtain opens to a fanfare.
Gonzo
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I will eat this rubber tire to the music of "The Flight of the Bumblebee." Music, Maestro.
Gonzo begins eating the tire as music plays.
Waldorf
He's doing it. He's eating a tire.
Statler
Amazing!
Waldorf
Astounding!
Statler
Boring!
The crowd starts booing Gonzo. Kermit, watching from the wings, now wears a tuxedo that matches Gonzo's.
Kermit
Looks like it's another wipeout for Gonzo.
Gonzo comes backstage.
Gonzo
Aw, yokels! (to Kermit) What do they know about art?
He spits out some rubber as he walks away.
Scooter
Hey, Kermit, Muppy wants you to know he's very sorry he bit you.
Kermit
Oh, yeah.
Scooter
He wants you to know he's very grateful you're letting him do the "Simon Smith" number.
Kermit
Oh, well, that's nice.
Scooter
He wants you to know he wants his own dressing room and star billing.
Kermit
What? Who is this crazy dog?
Scooter
He's my uncle's favorite pet.
Scooter departs. Muppy licks Kermit. Juliet comes out of her dressing room. Applause.
Kermit
Hello there, Miss Prowse, Hey, listen, is everything OK? Any complaints?
Juliet
No, none whatsoever. Except that I've never had to share my dressing room before with a man who eats a tire.
Kermit
I told Gonzo to dress in the alley. Hey, listen, I gotta go introduce you. Uh, you look beautiful. Beautiful! (exits)
Juliet
(to viewer) He's sweet. For a frog.
"Solace"[]
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely Miss Juliet Prowse.
Juliet dances to "Solace" with the Green Gazelles. The number uses the Black Light Theater technique to mask the puppeteers portraying the gazelles. Juliet vanishes into the background at the end of the song.
Waldorf
Hey, she just vanished. How did she do that?
Statler
Probably like this. (vanishes)
Waldorf
Yup. That's probably how she did it.
At the Dance[]
Couples dance in a ballroom.
Mildred dances with George the Janitor.
Mildred
Mmm. You're such a smooth dancer. Ever since we've started I feel like my feet have never touched the floor.
George the Janitor
They haven't. You've been standing on mine.
Mildred
Oops.
Miss Piggy dances with another pig.
Miss Piggy (RH)
Do you prefer Shakespeare to Bacon?
Pig (RH)
I prefer anything to bacon.
A purple monster dances with a woman.
Purple monster
You mind if I smoke?
Woman
If you insist.
Purple monster
Thanks.
Smoke comes out of his head and fills the ballroom. The others start coughing.
Purple monster
(to George) Smoke's not bothering you, is it?
Mildred
Manager!
UK spot[]
Rowlf sits at the piano and plays.
Rowlf
At this time I would like to present my rendition … of one of the great songs of our time. That ever-popular classic, "You and I and George." "But why," you ask, as well you should, "have I never heard this great song of our times?" … The fact is, nobody has ever heard of this ever-popular classic. In its only recording, "You and I and George" sold two copies. I bought one and George bought one. … Where were you?
He plays an opening vamp.
Rowlf
My own mother turns down her hearing aid when I sing this song.
You and I and George Were strolling … through the park one day. And then … you held my hand. As if to say … "I looooooove yooooou." Then … we passed a brook. And George … fell in and drowned himself … And floated … out to sea… Leaving you … aloooone with meeeee!
Applause.
Talk spot[]
Kermit
You know, that number you did was just beautiful, Juliet.
Juliet
Well, thank you, Kermit. You know, I'm really happy to be here with you and all the Muppets. You know something? I've never talked to a frog before.
Kermit
Well, we're just like anyone else. A little more jumpy maybe. But uh, you know, we have our hopes and our dreams.
Juliet
Oh, yeah? Well, what are some of your dreams?
Kermit
Well, uh … ahem. You may just think I'm gilding the lily pad here, but, as a tadpole, I always wanted to be a dancer.
Juliet
Oh.
Kermit
But uh, you know what they say: the first thing to go on a frog are his legs. You know, that's what they say.
Juliet
(laughs) That's funny, I never knew that frogs had a sense of humor.
Kermit
Oh, well, we have to. Listen, y-you meet a frog without a sense of humor and you're looking at a green lump. Well, let's just face it, Julie. Your average frog doesn't have a lot going for him in the looks department.
Juliet
Oh, I don't know. I think you're quite attractive.
Kermit
Really?
Juliet
Mm-hm.
Kermit
You're not just saying that because you're a guest?
Juliet
Well, certainly not. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that you are the Robert Redford of frogs.
Kermit
Oh. Wow. Hey, listen, everybody, D'you hear that? Juliet Prowse thinks I'm the Robert Redford of frogs. Hey, you're gonna be coming back on this show a lot. (she laughs) Hey, listen. Have you ever kissed Robert Redford?
Juliet
Aw, no, I haven't.
Kermit
Well, how about … ahem … kissing the next best thing?
Juliet
You mean to tell me that Paul Newman is here?
A beat.
Kermit
I mean me, the Robert Redford of frogdom.
Juliet
Ah. My pleasure. (she kisses him)
Kermit
Whoo!
Waldorf
More! More!
Statler
Less! Less!
Backstage[]
Kermit
(through the intercom) OK. Stand by for the Western sketch.
Fozzie
Hey, Kermit, Kermit.
Kermit
Hm?
Fozzie
Hey, uh … (deep voice) … does this sound like John Wayne?
Kermit
Will you get onstage, Fozzie?
Fozzie does so. Enter Scooter.
Scooter
Hey, Kermit.
Kermit
Huh?
Scooter
Yeah, now that Muppy is doing the big "Simon Smith" number, well, he only has one other suggestion.
Kermit
Listen, I already gave him his own dressing room. What more does he want?
Scooter
Well, it's about the title of the show. Uh, look.
Kermit
The "Muppy" Show?! (screams)
Cowboy Time[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, it's cowboy time.
Open on a saloon in the old west. Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf
I'd been playing saloon piano in Snake City for three years. It was the roughest town in the West. I mean, we had some mean customers.
Purple monster
Howdy, Rowlf.
Rowlf
Uh, hello, Miss Kitty. (continues) I mean, they were tough. After three years I thought I'd seen it all. I'd seen the Clanton brothers, the Younger brothers, the James brothers … not to mention the Osmond brothers. But when Kid Fozzie came to town, I knew I hadn't seen nothin'.
Fozzie enters, aiming a pair of pickles and talking in a deep voice.
Fozzie
All right, everybody. Reach for the floor.
Rowlf
Beg pardon?
Fozzie
Reach for the floor. This is a stickdown.
Bartender
You're confused, Kid. You ain't got no guns. Those are pickles.
The patrons laugh. Fozzie glances at the pickles.
Bartender
That's right, folks. There he is, the fastest gherkin in the West.
The patrons laugh.
Cowboy
You got a license to carry them pickles?
The patrons laugh.
Rowlf
Hey, wh-when you get shot by a pickle at close range, do you get garlic burns?
The patrons laugh.
Fozzie
All right, you asked for it.
He fires the pickles in all directions, knocking down the chandelier. The bartender hands him a bag.
Bartender
(cowering) Sorry, Kid, I didn't know the pickles were loaded. Here's your money.
Rowlf aims a revolver at Fozzie.
Rowlf
All right, Kid, don't make a move. I got you covered. Throw down your pickles.
Fozzie
OK. (throws them down) I don't need guns to fight you. I'll get you with my knife.
He whips out a carrot. Rowlf knocks it out of Fozzie's hand.
Rowlf
Will you stop with the vegetables?
Fozzie
Boy, you shouldn't have done that. I'm a desperate bear, ready for desperate measures.
He takes out an apple-bomb with a lit fuse. The patrons scream.
Rowlf
Oh, no!
Bartender
It's an apple!
Rowlf
And don't tell me —
Fozzie
Yes. The fuse is lit. (notices) The fuse is lit???
He tosses the apple. BOOM! It explodes. When the smoke clears, Rowlf goes back to the piano and resumes playing.
Rowlf
And that's how it was, the day Kid Fozzie came into town.
Applause.
Waldorf
That's one of the reasons I always thought the Muppets were weird.
Statler
Why's that?
Waldorf
They think explosions are funny.
Statler
Yes.
Waldorf
Explosions aren't funny.
BANG! Statler’s cigar explodes.
Waldorf
Although some of them are really quite droll. (chuckles)
Blackout[]
Zoot
Juliet, what has one eye, sharp teeth and is long and fuzzy?
Juliet
I don't know.
Zoot
I don't know either, but you're wearing it.
Feather boa
Hiya, toots.
She screams. It screams and flees off her neck.
Backstage[]
Kermit looks around. Muppy goes upstairs. Scooter is in costume. Rowlf walks by them.
Kermit
Muppy, Scooter, you're on next.
Scooter
It's no use, Kermit.
Kermit
What?
Scooter
Muppy says if you won't change the title of the show, he's not going on. He's locked himself in his dressing room and he's not coming out.
Kermit
Yeah, but the "Simon Smith" number's on next.
Scooter
I know, I know.
Kermit
What are we gonna do?
Fozzie
Kermit? Kermit? Kermit? How come I'm not doing an act this week? Hm?
Kermit
Uh... uh, congratulations, Fozzie, you're doing an act this week.
Scooter and Kermit go onstage.
Fozzie
Sometimes I can be very persuasive.
"Simon Smith"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Ladies and gentlemen, "Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear."
Dressed like a ringmaster, a mustachioed Scooter does most of the singing and dancing, while Fozzie, who is being led around the stage on a chain, hams it up all around him. Rowlf accompanies the duo on piano in the background.
Statler
Say, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you ... (goes silent while talking)
Waldorf
Darn, I'd better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
Statler
(laughs) I fool him every time!
Waldorf smacks him in the face.
Muppet Glee Club[]
Kermit corrals a group of pigs, chickens and frogs.
Kermit
OK, uh, Muppet Glee Club, Muppet Glee Club onstage, please. Muppet Glee Club. OK. All right, Everybody in position, please. OK. Everybody ready? The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and …
He starts conducting. Nothing happens.
Kermit
Uh, uh … wait, wait, wait. Something is amiss here.
Frog (RH)
I thought it was lovely.
Chicken (EO)
You wave that stick wonderfully.
Pig (DG)
Yeah, when it comes to stick waving, Kermit wrote the book.
Kermit
Uh, well, thank you, thank you. I do appreciate that kind comment, but uh, I would like to point out to all assembled here that this is a glee club.
Chicken (EO)
Oh, yes, that is what our letterhead says.
Kermit
Yeah. So when I wave this stick so wonderfully, I would like to hear something.
Muppet Glee Club
(murmuring)
Frog (JL)
We were remiss in that regard.
Kermit
OK. Here we go. One more time. The Muppet Glee Club. One and two and —
They all sing different songs at once.
Kermit
Wait, wait, wait, Hold, hold, hold! Hold it, Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Stop. How shall I say this? Uh, excuse me, friends, but uh, to my ears at least, it would help a lot if you were all singing THE SAME SONG!
Muppet Glee Club
(murmuring) Oh, I love it!
Chicken (EO)
It's so wild!
Pig (DG)
The frog is a genius.
Miss Piggy
He's awful cute too.
Kermit
It really doesn't matter what song you sing, as long as we all agree to the song that we're going to sing.
Muppet Glee Club
(murmuring) OK.
Kermit
OK? Now, does anybody here have a favorite song?
Muppet Glee Club
(in unison) Yes!
Kermit
Uh, uh, w-what song is that?
Muppet Glee Club
(in unison) "Temptation"!
Kermit
Since there seems to be some consensus of opinion here, the Muppet Glee Club will now render "Temptation." Piggy, honey?
Miss Piggy
Hm?
Kermit
You can take the solo.
Miss Piggy
Yes, my love.
Kermit
OK. Here we go.
Miss Piggy
(aside) I love him.
Kermit
The Muppet Glee Club, "Temptation." One and two and —
The Glee Club begins an a cappella rendition of "Temptation." Kermit lets Piggy take the solo in her first featured performance, and when her cue comes, she marches down the risers and throws herself at Kermit while he conducts, ultimately pinning him to the ground before chasing him offstage.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Hey, Juliet, I want to tell you what a pleasure it was to have you with us on the show.
Juliet
Oh, Kermit, I really enjoyed it.
Kermit
Aw. And as a little token of our appreciation, we have a Muppet likeness of you right here.
Juliet
Oh, how sweet.
Kermit
I know you'd rather have the cash, but ...
Juliet
No, no, no, Kermit. This is just wonderful.
Juliet Muppet
Uh, can I come home with you?
Juliet
Well, of course you can.
Kermit
She's not as pretty as you, you know, but ...
Juliet
Oh, Kermit, thank you. (kisses him on the cheek)
Kermit
Ooh. Thank you. And thank you all for joining us. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.